The Doctor Unveiled

The Right to be Parodied
Episode VI: The Doctor Unveiled

A/N: This is a brief parody of a cutscene in Resident Evil 5. Needless to say, there will be spoilers here! Pretty big ones, at that.




Chris and Sheva started the cutscene with a heroic charge into the room, as they were getting into the habit of doing. The room in question was a large stone hall in the midst of the ancient African ruin they had been exploring for the past few hours. After helping Lara Croft fight off a load of skinless monsters and chasing down Indiana Jones to take back the piece of the emblem he had run off with (he insisted it belonged in a museum), they had finally located their quarry. One of them, anyway.

"Excella Gionne! Stop right there!"

Excella turned around, a puzzled frown on her model-perfect features. "...I'm not moving," she pointed out.

"I said stop!" Sheva snapped, threatening with her pistol. "I won't warn you again!"

Excella continued to not move, taken aback by the agent's strange behavior. Sheva cocked her gun. Fortunately, Chris intervened, forcing Sheva to lower the gun before she could shoot Excella.

A short stand off ensued.

"Braaaaavo," Excella proclaimed sarcastically, punctuating the statement with slow, mocking claps.

Chris looked confused. "For what? We didn't do anything."

Excella stopped clapping. "I don't know."

Long, awkward silence followed.

Failing all else, Chris decided to fall back on his one recurring line of dialog. "Dammit, where is Jill?" he snarled, taking a menacing step forward.

"Hmph! Jill? Maybe I'll tell you, maybe I won't," Excella smirked, turning her nose up imperiously.

Then, because Capcom lacked subtlety, the plague doctor somersaulted down and landed right between the pair of BSAA agents in slow motion.

"Where did you come from?" Sheva demanded. "What, were you hanging off the ceiling or something?"

Chris gasped. "The bird person must actually be spider-man! ...woman," he corrected, noting the boobs.

"Spiderman-woman?" Excella repeated incredulously. "You really are just as thick as he said."

Chris looked down at himself, then he looked back up. "Well, it is pretty thick," he said awkwardly, "but I can't think of many men who would be able to tell you that."

Excella flushed scarlet. "That's not what I- oh just attack them!" she snarled the last part to the plague doctor.

Sheva made to shoot the mysterious figure, but the plague doctor got her before she could fire. The doctor then turned and and kicked Chris twice in the chest. Miraculously, he did not fall back on his butt for once. The doctor finished with a twirl and another kick, this time to Sheva's head. Women are all about the kicking, you know.

Chris finally managed to get a shot off, conveniently knocking the bird woman's mask away. She began backflipping away from the pair, this somehow helping her dodge their rain of bullets. The special effects department was getting a little bored at this point, so they had her randomly enter bullet time for the last flip. She landed directly in front of Excella and pulled her hood down to shield her face, leaving only the curiously gray-skinned chin showing.

Chris and Sheva stopped shooting for some reason, but kept their guns up and edged forward.

"Stop playing around, we want some answers!" Chris barked

Excella and the plague doctor reluctantly stopped their game of ping pong.

"You haven't changed," a rich, accented voice purred through the ruins. Chris looked up with a gasp. The camera panned up to the balcony where it fixated on a leather-clad crotch for a short period before  it panned up to Wesker's face with a dramatic chord. He stared intensely into the camera a moment before offering an evil smirk for his fans, many of whom promptly fainted.

"Wesker! You are alive." Chris observed in the same tone of voice one would use when confirming a mildly interesting scientific discovery.

"This is Wesker?" Sheva asked, glancing at her partner. "He looks like he stepped out of the Matrix. Why is he wearing sunglasses indoors?"

"He was designed in the 90s, give him a break," Excella snapped.

Wesker ignored the comments on his fashion sense and took a few steps forward. "We last met at the..." he waved his hand thoughtfully, "Spencer estate, wasn't it?"

Chris stared intensely at his foe, though he did not look nearly as hateful as he probably should have considering all that Wesker had put him through in the past.

Wesker raised his hands, slowly striding down the steps. However, the stairs were very thin and old, so he probably should have been paying more attention to where he was walking. "Well. Isn't this, one big family reuni-Ahhhhhh!" Then, maybe, he wouldn't have stumbled and fallen the rest of the way to the ground floor. He managed to turn the clumsy fall into a series of backflips and land on his feet by the end, barely.

"I meant to do that," he assured hurriedly.

"Yeah, sure. Just like you 'meant' to get yourself gored by a Tyrant ten years ago," Chris replied.

"It was all part of my evil plan."

"Your evil plan to die in a horribly painful way so you could activate a magical virus and fake your death in front of a couple people who you expected to die shortly anyway?"

"...I could hardly expect you to comprehend my evil genius."

Wesker rolled his shoulders and fixed his hair before striding forward.

"I thought you'd be happier to see us," he continued, tilting his head as he circled around to the plague doctor's side.

"Us?" Chris repeated with a confused sneer. Then he gasped. "Is it Jill?! The bird woman is Jill, isn't she!" His happy puppy look was heartbreakingly hopeful.

Wesker paused in the middle of reaching out to take the doctor's hood off. "Well damn, now that you've reached that conclusion, the laws of comedy state it must turn out to be someone completely different."

"...oh." Chris's face fell.

Wesker pulled the hood down. The faces of all present contorted in terror, disbelief, and blank confusion in Sheva's case.

"Morpheus D. Duvall?!" Chris exclaimed.

"Looks like Jill successfully escaped the series, after all," Wesker observed mournfully.

The tyrant flipped its hair tentacles haughtily and tossed the cloak aside, revealing all its naked naughty-bit-less glory.

"Now that I am finally here in Africa, I can begin building my kingdom of beauty!" Morpheus proclaimed. "You three can come with me." He gestured to Wesker, Excella, and Sheva. Then he turned and sneered at Chris. "Not you, though. My, your arms are disproportionate."

Chris made a sad face and lowered his eyes. Morpheus paused.

"Well now you look kind of cute...hmm...I'll keep you as a distant alternate option."

"Is she some kind of bioweapon?" Sheva asked, noting the exposed abdominals and grayed skin.

Chris shifted uncomfortably. "It's a he," he corrected.

"What?" Sheva stared at the Tyrant's boobs, briefly distracted by the sparks of electricity running over the skin."

"You know how the T virus turns people into zombies or Tyrants?"

"Yeah."

"And you know how the G virus makes people mutate progressively into giant toothy blobs with awkwardly placed eyeballs?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he combined the T and G viruses and injected himself, and that made him grow boobs and get magical lightning powers."

Sheva looked even more aghast then the time Chris started ranting about jet skis and pancakes in the elevator. "What was Capcom ON when they came up with this?!"

"I think they must have borrowed some of the good stuff from Nintendo."

Morpheus must not have appreciated their opinions on his creation, for he...she...s/he...it? snarled and dove at them. Sheva knew they were in trouble as soon as the bullet time started.

Morpheus booted Chris in the chest, sending him flying backwards in slow motion. Before he could finish falling on his butt, Morpheus, still in the air, slammed both his natural flesh heels into Chris's chest a second time, sending him flying straight down and propelling Morpheus up into a backflip. Somewhere far away, the laws of physics broke down and wept. Sheva began firing, but managed to miss even though Morpheus could hardly dodge while in midair.

He landed, kicked Sheva's gun aside, and did a fancy maneuver which involved climbing up Sheva's body and shoving his bare, unendowed crotch in her face before using the grip of his thighs around her head to flip her over. Sheva hit the rough stone floor hard, a landing which would have torn a lot of skin off if she weren't a video game character, and curled up in a fetal position.

Morpheus glanced back at her, then turned his sights on a horrified Chris. Chris tried to raise his gun, but as usual was not fast enough. Why Chris had just been standing there staring slightly to the left of Sheva and Morpheus while Sheva was being attacked, only he knew. Morpheus twisted Chris's arms around each other and grabbed his thick throat. Chris choked a bit, but didn't try very hard to free himself. Maybe he had a thing for choking.

Sheva, who had managed to get over the trauma of Tyrant crotch surprisingly quickly, raced over and pointed her gun to Morpheus's head. Wesker grudgingly decided to help out at this point and elbowed Sheva in the face. "Denied!" he called.

Then Morpheus felt free to start with the kicking again, planting a firm knock in Chris's back before shoving him in the chest and sending him staggering backwards next to his partner.

Clearly hurting already, Chris and Sheva fell back, aiming their useless peashooters once more.

"Wait, where'd Excella go?" Sheva asked suddenly.

Everyone looked around, but the Tricell executive was nowhere to be seen.

"Huh. Must have fallen down a plot hole," Wesker said. "Well, let's finish this once and for all. I think the odds are fair, two on two? Right..." he grimaced, "Morpheus?"

Morpheus giggled. He and Wesker prepared to fight.

And then the boss battle began.