Resident Zero Mission

The Right to Be Parodied
Episode VII: Resident Zero Mission

A/N: This is a brief parody of a pair of cutscenes in Resident Evil 5. Needless to say, there will be SPOILERS here! You have been warned.

Wesker chilled out on the stone balcony, waiting patiently for Chris and Sheva to charge heroically into the cutscene. They did so promptly, huffing and puffing like they'd just finished a marathon. Chris bent double and rested his hands on his knees.

"I really need to quit smoking," he groaned. Wesker rolled his eyes.

"I expected more of a challenge after all this time, Chris." He shook his head, "How disappointing."

"Tch. You're the one who ran away after we brought you to your knees," Chris returned, straightening.

"Where'd he get another pair of sunglasses? I could have sworn I shot those off," Sheva muttered to herself.

Wesker's cell phone started to ring, distracting Wesker's attention. "Yes?" He answered, turning away from the intrepid heroes.

"Seven daaaays," a hoarse voice whispered.

"...come again?"

"Go," Chris commanded urgently, hurrying up the stairs while Wesker was distracted. Sheva followed, and the pair panted heavily as they ran up the short distance. They had to stop to catch their breath again once they reached the top.

"Wesker, stop!" Chris called, training his pistol on his nemesis. Chris wasn't sure where the pistol had come from, since he hadn't bothered to carry one for several chapters now, but the rest of his guns had vanished so he had to make do.

Wesker lowered his phone and turned to look at Chris. "It's rude to interrupt a man on the phone, you know."

Suddenly, the camera raced up the stairs, on a beeline for the BSAA agents. Sheva turned around only to be slammed in the face by the camera, cracking the lens. Chris watched in outraged horror as his partner collapsed to the floor, unconscious.

"What the hell?!" he screamed at the cameraman.

"S-sorry, I got carried away," he said. A replacement camera was quickly brought in.

Then Morpheus dropped from the ceiling and poked Chris in the eyes. "GAH! What the-- what are you, a middle-schooler?" Morpheus just giggled. Chris tried to shoot the gender-confused Tyrant, but got an elbow to the face for his trouble. Then Morpheus did a fancy cartwheel, taking Chris with him and flipping him onto his back. Chris's gun clattered to the ground as Morpheus knelt on his neck and yanked his arm up, effectively pinning him.

Wesker walked up to his helpless nemesis with a sneer of malicious delight. "Nice move, Chris."

Chris glanced upward and gagged. "Oh god...Wesker, just kill me now. I don't want to look up at this guy's unnatural crotch any longer. It's breaking my brain."

"I'm surprised you have a brain to break. But how can I deny a request from an old friend?"

Wesker pulled out his magnum, took aim at Chris's pained face, and promptly began vomiting horse hair. Everyone watching looked kind of squicked.

"Well that's an odd Deus ex Machina," Wesker observed, throwing several wet strands of dark hair to the ground with obvious disgust.

"Um, Wesker...did you watch a strange video tape recently?" Chris asked.

"Nn...there was that one artsie short film. Had a woman throwing a little girl down a well. Looked like the sort of parenting style I could get behind."

"Was she an ugly little girl?" asked Morpheus.

"Difficult to say, her hair was always hanging in her face."

"Must have been ugly then. The mother was well justified. Only beautiful people should be allowed to--" Morpheus broke off abruptly when Jill Valentine fell out of a nearby plot hole and booted him in the head. He tumbled backwards, releasing a traumatized Chris.

"If I had known they were going to fill my role with an obscure Sephiroth wannabe, I'd never have jumped out that window!" Jill snarled.

"Samus Aran! You saved me! Can I get your autograph?" Chris asked with boyish enthusiasm. Apparently he was a Metroid fan, who knew?

Jill facepalmed. The reason for his confusion was fairly obvious. Jill now had blonde hair and sickly pale skin, not to mention she was dressed in a dark purple jumpsuit which left nothing to the imagination. Millions of Jill fanboys (and girls) the world over flew into an outrage, so incensed over the unforgivable change in her hair color that they neglected to realize what a gift they had been given in the form of their favorite character both alive and sporting skin-tight leather. Leon's fans laughed and told them to get used to it.

"That's not Samus Aran, Chris." Wesker looked far too amused by the entire situation. Chris squinted, apparently thinking hard.

"...Nina Williams?"

"No. Her suit is not nearly as blindingly purple."

"Fiona Belli?"

"...who?"

Jill sighed and looked away, her head hanging at just the right angle to emphasize...

"Oh god, that nose...Jill! Jill, is it really you? What has Capcom done to you?"

"Ruined an excellent chance for a good horror element by turning me into a kung fu action girl instead of a mind-controlled slasher villain."

"...eh?"

"I begged, begged for them to give me one of the chainsaws, but nooooooo~! I have to make do with a pair of annoying machine guns and suggestive martial arts moves."

Chris just stared at her like he didn't know what to think.

"Mind control?" Sheva repeated groggily, finally waking up after being knocked out by the camera.

"Oh Jill~" Wesker interrupted in a sing-song.

"...what?" she asked, unnerved by Wesker's uncharacteristic tone of voice. Had he really just used a tilde?

"Time to kill your old partner." he said cheerily, pressing a button on his palm-pilot thing.

"Nooooo!" Jill staggered, clutching her head and thrusting her chest out at the camera as she howled in torment. She ripped open the front of her suit, exposing a pulsating red device implanted on her chest and enough cleavage to make several fanboys faint from nosebleeds.

"Whoops, looks like I accidentally set it to strip mode...that's embarrassing..." Wesker fiddled with the palm-pilot some more as Jill began dancing and thrusting suggestively. Chris eyed Wesker suspiciously.

"Why is there a strip mode?" he asked. Wesker looked up and met Chris's angry eyes over the rims of his glasses.

"Why wouldn't there be a strip mode?" He hit a few more buttons, and Jill abruptly stopped dancing and dropped to all fours, hissing at Chris. "Damn, now she's stuck in Catwoman mode...oh well, it'll work. Kill them!" he commanded. He then doubled over and vomited more horse hair. "I'd...ugh...love to stay in watch, but I better get to the bottom of this first." He indicated the wet hair, which he stuffed in a sample bag and tucked away in his pack. "Have fun watching Jill...imitate a feline in heat while trying to crush your head between her thighs." So saying, he got into the elevator and left.

"...why is there an elevator in the middle of an ancient ruin?"

"Well there is a whole Umbrella lab down here."

"But-but how did the build any of it? It doesn't make sense. You shouldn't be able to install things like elevators and laboratories without severely damaging the surrounding ruin in the course of the construction."

"Remember, we're talking about the company that somehow manages to build secret underground labs beneath everything from kooky mansions to children's playgrounds."

"...oh. Right."

"Are you two going to chat all day or are you going to go beat up that lovely young lady?" Morpheus asked.

"Oh, go mutate into a giant amorphous blob, you shallow prick," Chris snarled.

Morpheus tossed his hair tentacles with an indignant snort and sauntered off into the same plot hole Excella had disappeared into.

"Ready for a suggestive boss battle?" Chis asked excitedly.

"Am I ever!"

And off they went.